The Bahá’í writings ask couples to know each other deeply before they marry. ‘Abdu’l-Bahá wrote that each partner “must, however, exercise the utmost care to become thoroughly acquainted with the character of the other, that the binding covenant between them may be a tie that will endure forever.” The 56 questions below, grouped into nine topics, are a practical way to do exactly that.
How to use these questions
- Take your time. Spread them over weeks or months. They are conversation starters, not an interview.
- Answer honestly, even when the answer is “I don’t know yet.” That is useful too.
- Listen more than you talk. Ask follow-up questions and notice how your partner feels, not only what they say.
- Look for character, not perfect agreement. Couples will differ. What matters is how you handle the differences together.
- Involve others wisely. Talking with family, friends and couples you admire can help, especially as you prepare to ask your parents for consent.
Faith and spiritual life
Shared spiritual values are the heart of a Bahá’í marriage. These questions help you understand how each of you lives your faith day to day.
- What does your faith mean to you in daily life?
- How do you pray and study the writings, and would you like to do some of that together?
- How involved are you in community life, such as devotional gatherings, study circles or children’s classes?
- How do you feel about the Bahá’í laws on chastity, alcohol and backbiting?
- If one of us is not a Bahá’í, how will we respect each other’s beliefs?
- How would you like to observe Holy Days and the Fast as a family?
- What kind of service to others matters most to you?
Family and parents
Bahá’í marriage requires the consent of all living parents, so family relationships matter from the start.
- How close are you to your parents and siblings?
- How do you think your parents will feel about our relationship?
- How will we ask for and handle parental consent?
- How often would you expect to see or help our families?
- Would you ever want a parent to live with us?
- What did you learn from your parents’ marriage, good and bad?
- Are there family traditions you want to keep?
Children
Raising children is one of the central purposes of marriage in the Bahá’í writings.
- Do you want children? How many, and when?
- How would you feel if we could not have children? Would you consider adoption?
- How would we share childcare and household work?
- How would you like to raise our children spiritually?
- What is your view on discipline?
- What kind of education do you hope our children will have?
Money and finances
Money is one of the most common sources of conflict in marriage. Talk about it early and openly.
- Are you a saver or a spender?
- Do you have debts, and what is your plan for them?
- Should we combine our money, keep it separate or do both?
- How will we make large financial decisions?
- How do you feel about giving to the Bahá’í Funds and to charity?
- What does financial security look like to you?
- How do you feel about supporting family members financially?
Work, career and where to live
Many Bahá’í couples meet across cities or countries, so plans for work and home need real discussion.
- What are your career goals for the next five to ten years?
- Would you move for my work, or expect me to move for yours?
- Where would you like to live, and why?
- How do you feel about pioneering or serving abroad?
- How do you balance work, family, service and rest?
- Would one of us stay home with young children?
Health and lifestyle
Honest conversations about health and habits build trust and avoid surprises later.
- Are there any health issues, physical or emotional, that I should know about?
- How do you look after your health?
- What does a typical weekday and weekend look like for you?
- How much time do you need alone, and how much together?
- How do you feel about pets, travel and hobbies?
Past relationships
The past shapes how we love. Approach these questions gently and with trust.
- Have you been married or engaged before?
- If you have children from a previous relationship, how do you see our family working?
- What did you learn from past relationships?
- Is there anything from your past you would like me to know before we marry?
Communication and conflict
Bahá’ís are encouraged to make decisions through consultation: frank, loving discussion where every view is heard.
- How do you usually react when you are upset?
- How did your family handle disagreements?
- How would you like us to consult on important decisions?
- What should I do when you need space?
- How do you apologize, and how do you like to receive an apology?
- When would you be willing to seek counselling as a couple?
- How will we resolve a deadlock?
Love and daily life
Small, everyday expectations matter just as much as big life questions.
- How do you most like to show and receive love?
- How should we share household chores?
- How important are birthdays, anniversaries and gifts to you?
- How much time do you spend on your phone or online, and is that something we should talk about?
- What does a perfect day together look like for you?
- How do you picture our marriage in twenty years?
- What are you most looking forward to about being married?
After the questions
If these conversations show that you share the same core values, and that you can listen, disagree and still feel close, that is a very good sign. The next steps are to pray about your decision, talk with your families and learn about the Bahá’í marriage laws, parental consent and the wedding vow. For more on getting to know someone during courtship, read Bahá’í Dating and Courtship: How Bahá’ís Get to Know Each Other and The Importance of Knowing Your Partner’s Character.
Common questions
When should we start asking these questions?
Start with lighter topics early in a relationship and move to deeper ones, such as children and finances, once you are both seriously considering marriage.
What if we disagree on something important?
Consult about it openly. Some differences can be worked through; others, such as wanting or not wanting children, may be a sign the match is not right. It is far better to discover that before marriage than after.
Where can I meet Bahá’í singles?
Bahá’í Mingle is a free Bahai dating site for Bahá’í singles and friends of the Faith in 125 countries. Join free and start your own conversations.
The quotation from ‘Abdu’l-Bahá appears in the compilation on family life and marriage on the official Bahá’í website.
